I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
