they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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