I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
