Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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