Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
