Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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