Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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