The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
