if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
