Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
