Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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