threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
