If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
