so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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