If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
