does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize