Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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