I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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