ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
