you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
