We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
