A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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