I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
