im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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