woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
