I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
