He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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