so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize