on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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