Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
