It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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