Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
