end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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