Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
