I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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