Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Randomize