I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
