I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
