Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
