I just saw a hot homeless man
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
