Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
