If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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