It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
