what if every blade of grass was a penis?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
