So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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