i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
