I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
