My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
