he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
