Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
