when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
