I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
