If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
