I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm sobbing to NWA
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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