I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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